Ready for Fear and Love and Everything Between...

Since the American leadership can't provide transparency, I'll do my best to fill in.

Life is good. It's great even, and I have to room to complain. I have an amazing wife, a place to live, a great job and incredible friends.

Over the course of the last year and some change, my life flipped full circle. I've talked about it on here before, you know, the "C" word. This dumb rare cancer I've been lucky enough to get. It depresses me. It really does. It takes all of the great things I've listed above, and puts a haze over them so I pay less positive attention on them. Mainly my friends and my wife. I think the sermon at church this weekend was talking about me when it mentioned being depressed and what not. I'm not at a point where I need medication or anything for it, but I need to think beyond it. I've got this thing in me that will never go away. On top of that, I've got to pay out of pocket for health insurance, and I'm months late on getting checked up. Ugh, see, the more I think about it, the more I realize how backed up life can get...and that's where the haze sets in.

Below is an excerpt from a blog I follow from a local radio personality named Mike Esparza, from The Mikey Show, who just had his world flipped upside down. His words speak exactly how I feel ...

I also feel like an underdog. That’s nothing new. I’ve never felt as good looking, tall, athletic or cool as the next guy. The only thing I have ever been able to do really effectively is get on the radio and do something different.

When I was a kid, if someone said I was wrong, I usually felt like they were probably right. I also always had guilt. Something wrong? My fault. Something messed up? My fault. Someone wants to compete? They’ll probably win. It’s why I hate competition; I fear losing and feeling like…..well, a loser. I want to just do my radio show and I want you to like me. Oh man. I want you to love me. I have such a desire to be liked and such a fear of failure.

The other day I was driving and I thought to myself, “What are you worried about? It wasn’t you that gave you any talent that you have anyway, it was God! He’s still here! He’s still calling the plays – not you!”

I want to end this on a cheery, hopeful note ... but it's not there this time. I'm not sad, just bracing myself for this journey I'm on. I'm not truly depressed, just searching deep within for the strength to end up on top. God is there, He's got full control. I just have to let it go. Sorry for a non-photographic blog. I'll try harder next time.


Erin Geddes said...

You know, I don't mind one bit that you posted this blog. Its easy to hide behind the lens and focus on other people then expose the "real" life going on. If its not cancer, its debt or a family member you feel will always be attached despite how hard you try to distance yourself from them/it. A stumbling block you could say. Its nice to know I wasn't alone tonight with my own depression and woes.

passenger said...

hi jonny,
sorry to hear about the C, dude... it's really unfortunate. i wanna encourage you to challenge the thought "I've got this thing in me that will never go away." the scriptures say that according to your faith it will be unto you. and i've experienced the power of faith to heal an illness i had for 4 years that the doctors had no answer to. i've also learnt that illness of body can be very related to ill conditions of mind- the contradictions within the soul that wait to be ironed out. keep on pursuing the healthiest spirit, and the body tends to follow suit. take care brother, i wish you the best.

~gift~ said...

You ARE my brother.
And, I LOVE you.